The Ashes: England v Australia – day two as it happened! | Andy Bull and Simon Burnton (2024)

And what a fascinating one it has been. This innings is still in the balance, but there's no doubt it is tipping Australia's way. We'll see. Thanks for your company and emails, and I'll see you tomorrow.

Siddle has almost got a third here! Trott edged the ball just short of slip. This session can't end soon enough for England. "I think they were right not to review that," says Alistair Hilton. "What question could the onfield umpire ask that would get that overturned?" To be honest, given the way decisions have been made in this series, it's all pot luck anyway.

So, Trott is in. It was, it should be said, not the wisest shot for a nightwatchman to play, but then as I said, Bresnan is a little too good a batsman to be considered a proper nightwatchman. Ideally you want a bloke who only knows how to do one thing - block. The replays, snickometer and all, really do seem to suggest that Bresnan didn't hit that, but he must have thought he did because he walked without referring it. Who you going to believe? Strange days indeed. Ah! David Warner has almost run out Alastair Cook here, but his throw just missed the stumps.

So much for the nightwatchman. Bresnan throws a pull shot at a ball from Siddle, and edges it through to Haddin. Bresnan and Cook had a long chat about whether or not they should review it, and decided not to, but the strange thing is that the replays suggest that Bresnan didn't hit it, and that the ball came off his trouser pocket. "His bat was nowhere near it," says Andrew Strauss. So earlier today we had a batsman refer it because he didn't think he had hit it when he did, and now we've seen a batsman walk when he thought he had it hit but clearly didn't. How bizarre.

Ryan Harris is still off the pitch, I think. Clarke has stuck four slips, gully, and a short leg in for Bresnan and...

Nathan Lyon is back into the attack, with four men in around the bat. Bresnan is beaten here, and the ball pops behind the slip. A good maiden over, this.

Root is already hunkered down at his laptop, reviewing his dismissal. either that or he is catching up on the OBO. Bresnan punches a run out to cover. "If you still haven't figure it out, by the way, well here is Simon McMahon: "What's with all this cryptic nonsense? I much prefer a quick crossword. How about 'Capital of South Australia where, in 2006, England made 551/6 dec. in their first innings and still lost the Test'. There. It's better to talk about these things."

Incredibly, this was Watson's fifth maiden in a row. No one has scored a run off him today. Eagle-eyed readers may have noticed that for the last three overs the OBO has had Australia batting rather than England. We do this kind of thing from time-to-time to see if you are paying attention. Of course it has nothing to do with my admission in the last entry that I was beginning to drop off, like an old man in armchair after a hearty lunch. Bresnan is a strange kind of nightwatchman. He's almost a good enough bat for his move up to considered a promotion, really. It's still a bad habit, though, and one I wish England would abandon.

Just as I was nodding off in the afternoon heat. Root has edged a fine delivery from Siddle through to Haddin. That was a well-deserved wicket for the Australian attack, who have been excellent in the last hour or so. Root was on the back foot, fencing at a straightish ball that was slanting in at him. England oddly enough, have decided to send in Tim Bresnan as a nightwatchman even though there is still half an hour to play.

Shane Watson is back into the attack. The innings is 23 overs old, and Clarke has already used five bowlers and made, what, six or seven bowling changes? Watson beats Cook's bat, and hits his pads in front of leg stump. Australia appeal, but the ball pitched outside the line of leg. "I forgot to mention," says Richard O'Hagan, "my two of 60 balls was in a 45-over per side game."

Harris hobbles off, which won't exactly fill his captain with confidence, and so Siddle comes into the attack. His first ball is pretty filthy, so filthy, in fact, that even Root feels compelled to break out of his Boycott impression wallop it away for four through mid-wicket. Irritated with himself for starting with such a loosener, Siddle follows it up with three good balls, one of which is a foul grubber that shoots past off-stump.

Cook prods two runs out to extra cover, then carves four behind point. He's settled into his familiar old rhythm now. "Keep the indefinite article waiting in the 7th circle of cricketing hell? (8)" offers James Dale.

Root is managing to make Cook look impetuously rash here, as he blocks and leaves and blocks and leaves his way through another over. It is brilliant batting in the circ*mstances. "A few years ago, I opened the batting in a Sunday league match and managed to score just 2 in sixty balls," recalls Richard O'Hagan, a little wistfully, "I hope Joe Root doesn't go so far as to emulate me, particularly not the bit where I somehow managed to pull the first short ball I received straight into the hands of mid-on."

Root plays his second scoring shot of the innings, a drive to deep cover for three. "I get the same feeling when I see Watson coming onto bowl as I used to when Hoggard came out to bat," says Matt Fordham. "As in: 'this is going to be dull.'" Cook ends the over by chopping four down to third man.

Ryan Harris is back into the attack now, and he opens with a half-tracker on leg-stump which Cook taps away for two runs to square leg. His next ball is a beauty, full and straight outside off-stump, it slips between Cook's bat and pad. He follows it with another full ball, which Cook blocks back to him. Harris plucks the ball out of the air and flings a throw down at the stumps, whacking Cook on the ankle. England's skipper strolls away, most likely in more pain than he is letting on.

Root is still searching for his second run. He punches a drive out to cover, but doesn't think he can risk it. Clarke sticks a leg slip in to go with the slip and short leg. OK, one last variation on the theme of the forbidden word, from Luke Williams: "Dear Delia with no run is all over the place in test venue of painful memory for some (8)"

A wild delivery from Starc, well down the leg-side, and Haddin, standing well back from the stumps, has enough warning to pull off a spectacular leap high up to his right to take the ball. Cook clatters a pull towards mid-wicket, but doesn't catch it cleanly enough to beat the fielder. The next ball ricochets off his pads and away to fine leg for four leg byes, which means England are within, ahem, 500 runs of Australia's total.

I particularly like Lyon because he has such a raffish, disheveled air about him, what with his messy mop of curls, stubble, scruffy shirt and the white towel tucked into his waistband. In short, he doesn't look like much like a modern cricketer. Which is quite refreshing in this day and age. it'd be fair to point out, though, as Dan Lucas does, that "I fear Agar is suffering a bit here in comparison to Lyon; the latter is going to be able to bowl with a hell of a lot more confidence give he has 520-odd behind him, so the inevitable comparisons may be a bit unfair."

This is why I love Clarke's captaincy. Some will say he fidgets too much, or that he doesn't trust his players to do the job unless he intervenes, but he is always attacking, looking for a way to unsettle the batsman. He's brought Starc back into the attack after three maiden overs from Watson. Cook almost plays the first delivery on into his stumps.

Lovely bowling from Lyon, though he rather lets Cook off the hook when he sends down a faster, flatter delivery, which is turned away for a single. With Root on strike, Lyon switches back around the wicket. And again he finds the edge! This time the ball slips off the inside edge - possibly - and flies of his pads through third slip. There isn't anyone there to take the catch, and actually, watching the replays, I'm not sure he hit it. He certainly didn't hit the next one, which turned back from outside off, beat the bat again, and hit Root's pads in front of middle stump. He was well outside the line, but still, this is good stuff from Lyon, and it makes his omission from the first two Tests feel all the more puzzling.

That is another maiden from Watson, his third in a row. Root left most of the deliveries well alone. "Now this is a riff I can get behind," says Dan Spicer enthusiastically. "How about "A dead lie spins cricket team to a terrible result (8)"?

Lyon hares through another good over, though Cook looks a little more assured than he did in the last. It's another maiden. "Your comments on the Cook chance off Lyon were particularly peculiar," writes a grumpy Australian reader by the name of Nick Hill. "No acknowledgement of the bowler's skill, only a dig at Haddin who did almost identically what Prior did in Warner's fortuitous dismissal earlier." Well, there was one quite significant difference actually. You see Prior actually moved his gloves towards the ball and tried to take the catch. Whereas Haddin just squatted there, utterly immobile. The man didn't even flinch. I've seen brick walls with better reactions.

Watson whangs down a bouncer at Root, who ducks underneath it. Then Watson follows through down the pitch to have a little word with the batsman, earning a rebuke from the umpire for churning up the middle of the wicket with his spikes. It's another maiden from him. I'm not sure what his secret is. I can't fathom how his 80mph up-and-down bowling manages to go for so few runs. It is one of the mysteries of modern cricket.

Lyon rips another delivery past Cook's bat. Beautiful bowling this, drawing the batsman forward, drifting in towards middle stump then biting back to spin past the bat. Remind me, why did they drop this guy again? Cook is looking a little flustered. He swings a cut shot at the next delivery, but misses it altogether, tries it again two balls later, and only just gets the ball past backward point. "An OBO cryptic crossword riff!" says Kimon Daltas, with just a touch too much excitement. Haven't had one of these for ages. How about: Boring singer accepts help at cricketing Golgotha (8)?"

A change at the other end as well, as Clarke brings Watson into the attack, mindful, perhaps of how he got Cook out in the first innings at Lord's. Root is on strike at the moment though. "Is it Amarillo?" says Paul Joel. "No-one wants to hear that any more."

Here we are. The first leftfield move by Clarke, who has brought Nathan Lyon into the attack in the seventh over of the innings. He's bowling from around the wicket to Cook. And that's why! He finds the edge of Cook's bat and the ball flies behind, but Brad Haddin's reactions were so sloth-like that he didn't even move his gloves, but just stood there, stock-still, and let the ball hit him on the thigh. it bounced up towards slip, where Michael Clarke dived forward to try and take the catch. It fell just short of him. Haddin is a wonderful player in many ways, but as a 'keeper, it has to be said, you may as well just have a sandbag behind the stumps.

England's openers are batting very well here, playing late to negate the swing. That said, Starc's length is perhaps just a touch too short. There's a little quiver of excitement at the end of the over when Cook knocks an inside edge on to his pad, but that's all.

Root gets his first run with a little clip to mid-wicket. "Atherton?" asks Chris Dobson. "I realise this isn't the answer, it just follows my approach to hard crosswords. Fill anything in that fits."

A tight over from Starc, who has straightened up his line.

Cook clips four the other way off a full ball from Harris, through fine leg. He plays a similar shot later in the over. This time the fielder gets there in time to cut it off, but makes such a hash of picking the ball up that we have to sit through several replays to tell whether or not he let the ball touch the rope. In the end, it's decided that he didn't. So that's three for Cook, who has hogged the strike so far. The English fans, meanwhile, have broken into a chorus of "You've Only Got One Song" to taunt the Aussies with their incessant Oi! Oi! Oi! ing.

Mitchell Starc starts at the other end, and his first ball is a real beauty, swinging past the outside edge of Cook's bat. His next is a no ball. He ends the over with a wide, full delivery which Cook drives through the covers for four. For those of you trying to figure out the forbidden eight letter word (It's not Aardvark. Or Arsehole. Or anathema) Laura Ashe has helpfully provided the following cryptic crossword clue: "Shock result: commercial for new mobile network contains sexual reference. (8 letters)"

Ryan Harris is going to take the first over, and Cook is on strike. The first delivery slides by wide of off-stump. The best ball of the over is the fifth, which swung in from outside off stump towards middle. Cook patted it away to mid-wicket for a single. This email from Rudi Edsall epitomises the hard-nosed optimism and hardscrabble fighting spirit we've come to associate with Australian cricket over the years. "We've done well to make it to 520, but here's how the rest of the test will go down: England will make 500, we'll get rolled for 150 and then Bell will chase 180 in a session and a half."

While Clarke gives them a few final words of advice. Alastair Cook is up in the dressing room, leaning on his bat, waiting for Joe Root to come and join him. When he does, the two of them bump fists and stroll out into the middle.

But it's forbidden here on the OBO, much like Macbeth is in acting circles. Suffice to say it begins with an A and is eight letters long.

Clarke calls his batsmen in with the score on 527-7. There are 32 overs left today.

It is true, though, that there is rain forecast for the three days left in this Test, so Clarke doesn't have much time to play with. The flip side of that, ground is damp, the skies are overcast, and the players are having to scurry on and off in between showers.

Gary Naylor is amazed that "Clarke seems to be batting on with a view to enforcing the follow-on," but before we hear why I'll exercise my privilege to interject and say that I am not sure that is what Clarke is doing. I think he is just giving himself a cushion on what is, after all, a very flat pitch. Anyway, Gary continues: "That tactic worked when there were rest days, five man balanced attacks and a fortnight between Tests, but these days? If Aus start bowling at 5.00pm today, how will the four man attack feel at 5.00pm on Sunday if they are still at it with England level and two down in the second dig? There's easy runs available for Aus now, but there'll be easy runs for England then. I'd have declared at 450 and backed my batsmen to get 150 in the third innings and the bowlers to get 20 wickets for fewer than 600 runs, with a two sessions break to rest up. After all, a draw is no good to Aus is it?"

Joe Root is on at the other end, to give the fast bowlers a breather as much as anything else. His first ball hits Starc on the pads, and Prior leads a loud LBW appeal which is swiftly dismissed by umpire Erasmus. Starc sweeps once, and misses, sweeps twice, and misses, sweeps a third time, and scoops a top-edge towards deep square leg.

Cook has five men back on the boundary. He's looking to contain these two players as best he can. Starc slog-sweeps a single out to deep mid-wicket, and Haddin squeezes four down the leg-side, all the same. England, of course, are entirely capable of batting for two days on this placid pitch themselves. The twist is that, for the first time in this series, they're going to have to do it while knowing that they can't afford to err because they are so far behind. And, as I said yesterday morning, there have been vulnerabilities in the way the have played so far in this series that have been entirely overlooked because the Aussies have been so much worse. They were, let's not forget, 30 for three in both innings at Lord's, and the tail collapses in both innings at Trent Bridge.

Graeme Swann is going to open the attack after Tea. I call it an attack. in the circ*mstances, that might not be the right word.

In that, if he is feeling up bowling himself, he has three part-time spinners to use in support of Nathan Lyon. Steve Smith and David Warner have both taken a few Test wickets in their time.

Even Andrew Strauss, a captain who had such a conservative streak that he was rumoured to be considering standing as a Tory MP when he finished playing the game, is saying that he would like to see a declaration inside the next 30 minutes now that he is in the safety of a commentator's chair.

are always keener to see a declaration than the side out in the middle. If it was England who were batting, I've little doubt that they would go on till tomorrow morning. This Australia side, though, is just a little different. Michael Clarke is one of the more aggressive captains on the circuit, and I think Darren Lehmann is of a similar persuasion. I guess they will bat on for a few more overs, another hour at the most, and then stick England in. In fact one of the intriguing aspects of this match is going to be in seeing whether Clarke's inventive captaincy helps Australia conjure wickets on this flat pitch in a way that Cook's more conservative style hasn't been able to.

That's yer lot, for the moment. Andy Bull will be here shortly, so email him now please on andy.bull@guardian.co.uk, though whether he'll describing more Australian batting or a bit of English remains to be seen. When the batting team has scored 500+ runs in the first innings of a Test, incidentally, they have gone on to win 117 times, lost six times, and drawn 130 times. Bye!

Starc flies to his half-century with a couple of emphatic boundaries, and ends the over with a 54-ball 54. Haddin, whose 57 has by contrast taken an embarrassing 91 deliveries to compile, plays and misses at the last, and that's tea. "There are several scores lower than 229 that no batsman has ever been out to," ner-ner-ner-ner-ners James Gordon. "They start with minus 1 and get smaller." Bah.

Anderson's inswinging yorker, the third ball of the over, is possibly the finest delivery of the day, but Haddin deals with it, with a bit of discomfort. Andy Bull, preparing to return to active OBO duty after tea, has contributed a stat: The last time four English bowlers all conceded 100 runs in the first innings of a Test match was at the MCG a little more than a decade ago.

Starc played and missed a couple of times when he was new at the crease, but has been pretty splendid since. This has been a session of three parts. Part one was all about wondering how many runs Australia would compile before they declare. Part two was about wondering how many they would score before England bowled them out. Part three has been about pondering declarations again. I guess the question is, will Australia keep batting after tea? And if so, how long for?

Thanks to Sam Korn for answering Al Morrison's statistical poser, or at least pointing the way to where Cricinfo had. The answer is 229.

Just two runs and one ludicrously optimistic solo lbw appeal from Bresnan's over. Meanwhile at Lord's, Steven Finn takes his fourth wicket and Durham are all out. "With all the excitement generated by the question of the frequency of batsmen getting out for 187 or nearby numbers, it set me thinking as to what is the lowest score that no Test batsman has got out for," writes Al Morrison. "I hope you can help with this, as it will raise my excitement to an incredible high if you can, but will gnaw away at me like a flea trapped inside your sock on a hot summer day if not." That's an extremely fine question. What is the lowest score that no Test batsman has ever got out for?

Swann having left the field to receive treatment to the pride wounded by Starc in his previous over, Anderson comes back. He, too, sees Starc hammer one to the boundary. "From your sample size, perhaps one can at least infer that odd numbers are more dangerous for batsmen who have scored 180 odd," notes Saurav Samaddar, whose suggestion is backed up by the seven batsmen to have fallen on 184, and nine to have gone for 183. "They should just reach 180 and score from only doubles and boundaries thereon." Well indeed.

There's just one dot ball in Bresnan's over, including a four smashed back down the ground by Starc. The last not-dot of the over is worked to third man by Haddin, to bring up his 50.

Starc identifies the accelerator pedal, and floors it. Swann's first ball is dismissed to the boundary, and his second goes the same way. "So, that sandwich bag, it wasn’t previously wrapped around Bresnan’s emergency cheese sandwich, was it?" ponders Rob Marriott. "It must have been a tiring day in the field, and more than an hour since lunch, who wouldn’t be peckish?"

Starc really exercises the England fieldsman with two shots that force fielders into boundary-saving full-length post-sprint dives, only one of them successful. "Hate to put a spanner in the works, but I’m not sure the number who have reached 186, 187 or 188 runs in a test match is what the bean-counters call a statistically significant sample," writes Steve Pay. Sure enough, the number of people who've got out for 185 (nine) and 189 (11) suggests it's actually a load of bobbins. Though the same applies, I suppose.

A very fine shot from Haddin sends Swann's second delivery over midwicket for four, and a single off the last lets him keep the strike.

Bresnan does bowling. Some singles are scored. The sandwich bag that starred in the previous over, incidentally, was empty. It's a breezy day at Old Trafford, but it's not windy enough to blog a sandwich bag into the middle when it's still got sandwiches in it.

So maybe there's something in this superstition after all: Clarke was out for 187, the ninth man to fall precisely 13 runs shy of a double ton. Meanwhile just five have gone for 186, and seven for 188. OK, there's not a lot in it, but statistically you're more likely to be out for 187 than other similar numbers. Starc thumps Swann for four, and would have had another had Haddin not got his head in the way. In other news, a plastic sandwich bag invades the pitch and everyone laughs.

And that's a good over from Broad, with too much aggression and variation for Starc, who makes nothing of it. And with that, the players will take some refreshments.

Just one run from the over, with a revitalised England suddenly looking interested again. Given that a couple of overs ago they were basically giving up and trying to delay a declaration as long as they could, a target under 500 would probably make them all very cheerful.

Broad keeps going, not being allowed any time off to bask in the 200-wickets glow. England are backing way off Haddin but attacking Starc, with two slips and a gully.

Starc takes two balls to size things up, and then thuds the last ball of the over through midwicket for four.

That's another five-for for Swann, aided by a massive across-the-line heave from Siddle, who had completed the shot by the time the ball cleaned up his off stump.

Haddin attempts a hook-like shot, but actually thumps the ball down the ground for a couple. Michael Holding calls it an overhead slam. "Afternoon Simon, afternoon everyone," writes Neil Withers. Afternoon Neil. "As a Wolves fan, Elgar did actually write a football chant, called somewhat charmingly/alarmingly He Banged The Leather for Goal – but it wasn't about Nottingham Forest."

Broad gets the ball to leap into Clarke's chest, and as he rocks backwards the ball hits the handle of his bat and clumps the stumps. And with that, Broad finally takes his 200th Test wicket.

Three dots followed by three singles for Swann.

So England have seemingly given up on wicket-taking, and are now sticking men in the deep and trying to delay Australia's declaration in the hope of turning the match into an Ashes-sealing draw. Which is a decent tactic, I suppose, though Australia are still going at (precisely) four an over since lunch.

Just the one, Bairstow-enfuriating boundary since lunch. Lots of ones and twos. "The classier Handel reference would have been 'You'll never beat Des Walker'," Adam Levine notes, rightly (re over 117).

Three singles and a pair. So, is it cowardly to pray for rain? (We may have covered this before). Whatever, here's a pretty unpromising/promising* rain radar courtesy of the app Home and Dry.

*delete as applicable.

Everyone was expecting a post-prandial acceleration, but there have been no swinging bats from Australia thus far. Just methodical run-accumulation. The groundsmen come on to undertake some emergency foothole repairs.

Haddin hits the ball through point and Pietersen, jogging round from mid-off, pulls out of his half-hearted attempt to field the ball, leaving Bairstow to sprint after it, dive, narrowly fail to save the boundary and then bash the rope/padding in frustration.

Australia quietly compile seven runs from the over, with just the last ball a dot. Most notably, Haddin works the ball through point and runs three to bring up 400 runs for Australia. "Only 24 overs in the morning session," notes George Davidson. "Not really fair on people paying a lot of money for those tickets and not really fair on folks watching a slow-moving game at home. This injustice burns deep inside me but I fear I am the only one." 26, I make it, but still.

It's a bit blowy out there. Broad bowls half an over at Clarke, and half at Haddin. "Whilst at the recent Headingley Test v New Zealand I helplessly tried to start a chant of ‘Gimmie the Root, gimmie the Root’ in homage to Notorious BIG’s Gimme the Loot," writes Stu Henry. "Unfortunately this didn’t catch on, I can only assume most of the crowd were Tupac fans. I quietly retired to my Gin & Juice." Yes, it's hard to see why else they wouldn't have joined in.

Swann gets the afternoon under way. In unrelated news, I've been sent a press release about an album of football-related classical anthems. Tracks include Verdi's José Mourinho, Elgar's We Hate Nottingham Forest and The Referee's a Wanker by Handel.

And here's a stat: this is the fifth time that Michael Clarke has scored a first-innings century as Australia's captain. Surprisingly, though, this seems to be a bad omen for the tourists: of the previous four, Australia lost two by eight wickets, drew one and won one.

Simon Burnton will be here after lunch, so send your emails to him now please, on simon.burnton@guardian.co.uk.

That was an enjoyable morning's cricket, enlivened by David Warner's comic cameo.

"Ricky Ponting wasn't seen as a pantomime villain (Captain Hook, Abanazar?)" says John Starbuck, fairly, if pedantically, I think. "It's just his over-reactions when he got out (by some odd means at times, admittedly, which added to the fun) invited the responses cultivated by fans of professional wrestling, back in the good old days with Kent Walton. Ponting was the cricket equivalent of Mick McManus." Anderson has just brought up his century. He has figures of 30-5-104-0. I was just wondering why this over seemed to be dragging on son long and then I realised that there was only one minute till lunch. England, sadly, are time-wasting, which is a gyp. Anyway. Anderson finally does bowl the last delivery, and that's it for the morning session.

Clarke steers a single past the slips, and then steals another one as the return throw ricochets off the wicket and rolls away from the fielders. Mike Matthews has just become the 37th person to email in this morning suggesting that we include Howzat by Sherbert on the OBO playlist. Dude. Check the sign on the wall. It says "NO SHERBERT."

Wonderful shot by Haddin, as he picks Anderson's in-swinger and deposits it over towards mid-wicket.

Four singles from Swann's latest over. A good question this, from Gary Naylor. "Am I right in thinking that the booing of Warner is genuine, as opposed to the panto villain booing of Ricky Ponting last time round? Of course Warner has invited it, but he has a decent reputation for good humour when interacting with crowds in the IPL and elsewhere. If we want our sports stars to be down to earth and not distant products of media training, maybe we should embrace Warner more?" Well, it was certainly a lot louder than the booing Ponting used to get, but I'm not sure it was too malicious. Rather I think the crowd have just picked him out as, to use your phrase, the pantomime villain of the side. I think, I hope, that if, for example, he had made a hundred rather than a desultory six, he would have got a warm round of applause rather than more boos.

A difficult chance eludes Matt Prior, Haddin sliced it off the bottom-edge as he threw a pull shot at a short ball. Prior dived across to his left to take the deflection, and got his glove to it, but couldn't wrap his fingers around it. A good effort, that, but not so goof as this, from Andy Ward. He says this song is "the product of spending far too long singing to myself in the shower", and he calls it The Nurdler.

"On a warm summer's evening in a scorer's box in Yorkshire
I met up with a nurdler; we were both too bored to speak
So we took our turns a staring out the window at the drizzle
Till boredom overtook us and he began to speak

He said "Son I've made a living out of reading bowler's faces
And knowing what they're bowling from the way they hold their eyes
So if you don't mind me saying I can tell your out of aces
For a taste of your bitter I'll give you some advice."

So I handed him my bottle, he drank down the last swallow
And then he bummed a cigarette and asked me for a light
And the box got deathly quiet; his face lost all expression
And he said "if you're going to play the game, boy, you've got to learn to play it right.

You've got to know when to block 'em, know when to slog 'em
Know when to leave alone, know when to run
You never count your total when you're out they're in middle
There'll be time enough for counting in the pavilion.

Now every nurdler knows that the secret to surviving
Is knowing not to heave and ho and knowing not to miss.
'Cause every ball's a wicket and every ball's a single,
And the best that you can hope for is to die in your crease."

So when he'd finished speaking, he turned back towards the outfield,
Crushed out his cigarette and faded off to sleep.
And somewhere in the score box, the nurdler he broke even,
But in his inside pocket I found a fiver I could keep.
You've got to know when to block 'em, know when to slog 'em
Know when to leave alone, know when to run
You never count your total when you're out they're in middle
There'll be time enough for counting in the pavilion."

Time to take breath. This match has snapped into life in the last few overs. The camera zooms in on Salford quay. Warne asks "is that Blackpool we are looking at?" and Bumble, bless him, replies "no, that's looking over the Pennines to the Mediterranean."

So, in Warner's defense, it looks like he hit his pad at the same time as he edged the ball. It's just odd that Clarke let him review it given that it was such an obvious catch. Anyway, we've hardly got time to dwell on all that. Anderson is on, and Haddin is in. He's just smashed a straight drive through long-on for four. That was an extraordinarily vicious shot from a man who has just come to the wicket.

Oh Davey Warner, that was all too predictable. He edged the ball onto Prior's gloves, and the ball looped up to Trott at slip. I have no idea why he reviewed it. No one does. Except, perhaps, the suspicion that he is several sandwiches short of a picnic. Again, he got booed by the crowd, who were even louder cheering him when he went off than they were jeering him when he walked on. Haddin is in, and he has walloped his first ball for four.

Warner has edged this onto Matt prior's pads, and Trott has taken the rebound. Warner walks up to Clarke and asks him whether he should review it. The answer, obviously, depends on whether or not he thinks he hit it. Well, he does decided to review it. Which is bizarre, because it is immediately obvious that he got a massive snick on it.

Warner clobbers four away square. Shane Warne reckons, like a lot of us, that Cook should bring Joe Root on to bowl. But there may not be time for that...

Clarke brings up his 150, and Australia's 350, with a four past backward point, and then celebrates by clobbering four runs back past Bresnan's head, and carving four more through cover. That's three fours in a row. Bresnan seems to have done something to offend him overnight. A splendid effort this, from Gareth Fitzgerald, who has decided that Math Scott's song should be about David Warner: "I never walk when the ball finds the edge / There’s no semblance of wit any time I sledge / I’m a fair-dinkum batsman, bereft of technique / I’m only playing cos the Oz resources are weak / I only open my mouth to change feet / Bring disrepute to the game with each ill-advised tweet / Punch the false beard clean off young Root’s face / I’m David Warner, and I’m back from disgrace."

It's going to be fascinating to see how Warner handles all this pressure. England are all over him, and so are the crowd. Swann beats him with a ripping off-break from around the wicket. Inspired by Hot Chip, Robin Hazlehurst has come up with this for Math Scott: Over by / Over by
/ Over by / Over they bowl / Plugging and / Slogging and / Mugging and /
Flogging the ball." Mmm-hmm.

A raucous chorus of boos greet David Warner. That's one of the worst receptions I have ever heard for a Test cricketer. England's close fielders are little louder too. They've got plenty to say to the new batsman. Joe Root, mischievous little so-and-so, goes up and says "good afternoon" or something similarly polite. Warner grins, then turns his first ball from Bresnan away for a single. England, all of a sudden, have switched up into another gear. Bresnan bombs down two bouncers at Clarke, who sways away from both and shoots back a smile at the bowler. Then Bresnan beats him, and England appeal for a catch behind. It's not given.

Swann strikes in his very first over. And Steve Smith, just like Chris Rogers, has tossed away his chance of scoring a first Test century. He decided to dance down the wicket and yahoo a six to cow corner, but he made a real mess of it. His bottom hand slipped off the bat, and he ended up lofting a catch to Bairstow at mid-wicket.

And now, for the first time today, Graeme Swann. Rohit is the first man to take up Math Scott's challenge, and pen some lyrics for an OBO cricket song. It is, ahem,called Driving Outside Off. "On this lively pitch, under the cloudy sky / I will be driving outside off stump / Against the ball turning in, from that dark foot mark / I will be driving outside off stump / Doesn't matter what the conditions, nor does the opposition / I will be driving outside off stump / Coz I am Shane Watson." The Grammy is in the post, Rohit, along with my Pulitzer.

Another chance, another miss! Again Michael Clarke doesn't quite catch a drive off Bresnan, and again the ball loops up over Anderson at mid-off. He set himself to leap to take it, but seemed to realise at the last minute that he couldn't quite reach. Bresnan has been England's best bowler in this match. And he ends the over by beating Clarke's outside edge.

England are on a road to nowhere. Australia have struck exactly the right note this morning, attacking when they have the chance, defending when they don't. They've sapped any attacking intent England might have had when they arrived at the ground. "Any number of classics from Brett Lee's band Six & Out," says Edward Norman. "Most notably the classic Can't bowl, Can't throw." Any number of classics. Yup. What was that about the most trustworthy newspaper again?

All the threes then, as this fourth wicket pair take Australia to triple Nelson. "Many thanks for taking care of TOM CLOAKE'S wedding present for me yesterday," says Adam Cole referring back to yesterday's OBO. "He said it was 'without question the best part of getting married so far!'. He asked me not to tell his wife (JILL) about this. So if you do print this email, and if for some unfathomable reason Jill ever stumbles across the OBO, perhaps you could change their names to stop me looking like a terrible person... or at least a worse person following my efforts to substitute a proper gift with an email to a shoddy cricket website." I would Adam, but we here at the guardian have a reputation as Britain's most trusted newspaperto uphold so I couldn't really go tampering with the facts of the matter, could I? Best, I think, to put their names in bold full caps instead.

Broad has come back into the attack, with - I'd guess - the rough plan of hammering Clarke into submission with a lot of bouncers. He pins him in the gut with his first short delivery. Math Scott, meanwhile, has come up with the kind of damnfool plan that just might work. But he needs your help. He would like the OBO readers to collaborate on some lyrics for a cricket song he wants to write this weekend. "Reading about the cricket songs has inspired me to write one this weekend. In the spirit of the OBO collective/cooperative/hivemind I've decided to let someone else write the words for me. So if anyone wants to send me some lyrics, please do. I'd rather see a couple of lines auditioned on the OBO first though. Oh, and I'm on a bit of an electronic tip after seeing Kraftwerk the other week, so that's something to bear in mind. If I don't get any OBO lyrics I'll just resort to plan B - vocoding the more florid passages of 'The Art Of Captaincy'."

Another half-chance, as Clarke clatters a drive towards extra cover. The ball missed Swann at short extra cover, and then landed just in front of the fielder at full extra cover, and the batsmen hurry two runs. England reckon they can get Clarke on the drive, which is why they have two men there. And they almost do. He knocks the next delivery from Bresnan to exactly the same area, and this time Swann gets a hand to it and palms it up in the air. Again though, it lands in the no-man's land between him and the man behind him. Adam Harper suggests that "There are a couple of verses in the track 'Ticket' by Big Audio Dynamite which go as follows: Wicket, we need a wicket, when summer come they play cricket. Botham is cool, selectors are spaced, England's losing again, W.G Disgraced. There is even a plaintive cry of 'Howzat' in the background at some point as I recall. Not the most lyrically imaginative of songs, they seem to have listed out all words that rhyme with ticket and structured the rest of the lyrics around them. Mind you, they missed out snicket."

A little drama here. Anderson, most unusually, knocks the bails off at the non-striker's end as he enters his delivery stride. The ball goes on to beat Clarke's inside edge and hit him in front of leg stump. England appeal, and loudly, but Clarke quickly points to the broken wicket. The umpire calls no-ball, and Anderson turns on his heel in high dudgeon. It probably wouldn't have been given because the ball looked to be sliding down the leg-side. But then with these umpires you never know. Either way, Jimmy's mood hasn't got any better.

Cook makes his first bowling change, bringing Tim Bresnan into the attack. A carrier piegon has arrived from the top floor of guardian towers, carrying a note that tells us that "A recent Ofcom report has found that the Guardian and The Observer are the most trustworthy, accurate and reliable newspapers in the UK." I can only assume that Ofcom didn't poll the OBO readership.

Clarke scores his first runs of the day, with a thick edge through the slips for four. England are a little irked about that, but they've no reason to grumble about the next shot, which is a crisp cut through cover for four more. The biggest problem England's bowlers are having in this match, as Nasser has just pointed out, the outfield is so lush that there is no chance of it ever getting rough enough to start reverse-swinging, which is their default tactic when they find themselves on a flat pitch. Gary Naylor is feeling loquacious today. I like to imagine him dictating this email to an assistant in between puffs on a briar pipe. "Re England's grumbling, every solution needs a problem and England's vast team of backroom staff provide plenty of solutions - ergo, they need plenty of problems. Cricket is a game which is, to use Mike Marqusee's term, autochthonic - his way of saying that you play it where you find it. England's bowlers should get on with the game and find a solution to the one problem that cricket has posed for hundreds of years - how do I get this man out?"

Andy has left to begin work on his long-awaited novel about the 2013 Ashes, For Whom The Bell Toils.

Anderson rips the ball back from outside off over the top of Clarke's middle stump. The trouble is, as Atherton sagely points out, the batsman can just leave the ball on length because the bounce is so steep and reliable. Sarah Morris suggests the truly despicable Cricket Song by Mick Meredith. She adds "I have a PhD to write, I shouldn't be looking up this guff on YouTube." Tell me about it. I have a novel to write. I shouldn't be sitting here writing this guff.

A maiden over, this one, as Broad bowls wide of off-stump. John Kettley is a weatherman! John Lettley is a weatherman! And so is Michael Fish Giles Ripley! He's from the Met Office, and he writes: "Regarding the rain and the showers that are around, you might our rain radar app, Home and Dry, useful in seeing when it will arrive and when it will clear. There are some showers to the SW of Old Trafford that we need to keep an eye on, but for the moment that radar looks clear. Hurrah!"

A lovely shot by Smith, an easy-looking cover drive off Anderson's first delivery, the ball skipping away from the middle of the bat. As smooth as Errol Brown's silk pyjamas, that shot. Later in the over he walks into a straight drive, but inside edges it into his pad. Anderson is bowling well here, slanting the ball in towards middle stump. "A big missed opportunity from Selve not to go for Umpire Dharmasena's full name," points out Tom Robertson. "Handunnettige Deepthi Priyantha Kumar Dharmasena. Schoolboy stuff that."

Smith really sneaked up into the 70s yesterday evening, didn't he? Last thing I really remember was him walloping the first delivery with the new ball for four, and that was when he was around about 50. He raced on in those last few overs. And he's carrying on this morning. He knocks Stuart Broad's first ball away through the covers for two. Broad is now in his 45th wicketless over, which means he is still stranded on 199. He, like Anderson, is in a bit of a funk. Kevin Pietersen, meanwhile, has gone off the pitch for a minute. When one of Sky's cameramen closes in on him to get a peak at what he is up to on the boundary side he smothers the lens with the palm of his hand.

"England's bowlers love a good whinge don’t they?" says Gareth Fitzgerald. "Any time they don’t skittle a side they take on the body language of Shane Watson if he’d just been ordered to bowl twenty overs, bat six, and give Clarke a lotion-tastic rub-down. I’ll give it four wicketless overs today before Anderson Broad et al begin complaining that the ball/Bresnan is too round or something like that." Well, you were being overly optimistic with that email Gareth. Anderson has pulled out of his very first delivery because he was unhappy with the way his feet landed, and he's already had a good long stare at the pitch. He goes through with his next few deliveries, which Steve Smith blocks. He knocks the fourth away for a single.

Huzzah! Jerusalem, by the way, is emphatically not on the playlist. But Yeh Hai Cricket, "from the movie Awwal Number which means number one" might well be now that that Rohit has emailed in to recommend it. "It was a 1990 box office flop, but the song played out at many a cricket ceremonies."

"My new imaginary band name (having imaginary band names, that's not just me right?)" it's not just you Andrew Jolly, don't worry, "Is now The Decision Review System. I'm thinking chaotic math rock where the band members spend more time staring at their pedal boards twiddling knobs than making music anyone wants to listen to." Somewhere in that OBO playlist is a song by Lord Kitchener called Cricket Umpires which is a long lament about the standard of umpiring in a series between England and the West Indies.

"Overall," he says from the chair next to me, "in all Tests in England since the Second World War, teams that bat first and reach 300 in their first innings win 46.6% of the time, draw 41.5% of the time and lose 11.4% of the time."

"If only Selve had avoided using abbreviations, he could have gone even further," points out Geraint Morgan. "Something else we can blame on DRS." Excellent analysis of Selve's technique there. You think he'd have cottoned on to that trick after all his years in the game.

Ryan Carthew has suggested "Sorry Matt Hayden" by Adam Spencer and Wil Anderson. Which is on YouTube, and, I can confirm from a brief listen, absolutely awful enough to make it on to the playlist.

"Curtly Ambrose" by Beaverloop. Which I don't know, but will look up in the lunch break. "He’s 7ft tall and mean, 7ft Tall and mean. West Indian FAST BOWLING MACHINE!”

Are going to have to be staggering works of heartbreaking genius to get published on here today. Because we're all sick of it. So, sorry Matthew Tom, but your effort beginning "The non-dismissal of Steve Smith lbw Swann yesterday indicates a more serious overall problem with DRS than the simple human error involved..." isn't going to cut it. Particularly as it goes on to list clauses a) and b) and includes the phrase "benefit of the doubt". Try again. Try harder.

Mike Selvey scored a century yesterday, running up a very impressive 113 words in the space of a single sentence:

Only an unusually insipid Shane Watson, who made only 19 of an opening stand of 76 with Rogers, and Usman Khawaja, with one, failed to make any significant contributions, although the latter can feel mightily aggrieved firstly with the decision of the New Zealand umpire Tony Hill who adjudged him to be caught behind from the bowling of Graeme Swann (although neither Jonathan Trott at slip nor indeed the bowler appeared unduly interested before the finger went up) and then, following the batsman's request for a review, with the application of the DRS process in which the third umpire, Kumar Dharmasena, failed to overturn what was clearly an erroneous decision despite the evidence.

We reckon that is his career best. Which is, I'm sure you'll all agree, a fine effort for a man in the fourth decade of his illustrious career as a professional cricket writer. Chapeau Selve, take a bow.

If it wasn't for this.

The Parable of Glenn McGrath's Haircut by TISM.

The one caveat being that the song has to actually be about cricket. So Soul Limbo, marvelous as it is, doesn't count.

The OBO now has a soundtrack for you to listen to while you read.

Possibly.

303 for three? Just like old times. Except that England are 2-0 up already. Still, the fear must have got to someone, somewhere out there last night, because whoever was praying for rain has had their wish granted. There are a few umbrellas up at Old Trafford, though I'm not sure yet quite how heavy it is. I'm sure we will get some play today. The forecast is a lot worse over the weekend.